Is There Something in the Voice?

I was laying in bed half asleep turned away from the last minutes of "Meet the Press" and I heard a voice that made me wake up enough to turn and look at the television. Sure enough, there was a Brown (Black) woman speaking. I smiled and laughed and made a mental note to myself about my "I knew it" moment and turned and went back to sleep.

December 2011 a good friend and I were hanging out and shopping in Tulalip. The significance of the place is that as crowded as it was, I don't think we could count five other Brown people. My friend and I were evaluating a shoe my friend was considering purchasing and all of a sudden we heard this voice. We both simultaneously turned from the shoe to find that voice - I mean we stopped mid sentence - the voice belonged to a Brown man who was talking to another customer. We couldn't help but laugh and speak to what had happened so automatically - how distinct the voice was and how strongly it caught our attention.

I get it - we're all people, we all bleed red, and at the end of the day we're all trying to figure "it" out. But are there some differences in how we do what we do?

What do you think? Is there something in the voice (often times) that identifies when a Brown person is speaking?

What's Wrong With Dancing In The Park?

Fall quarter I took six classes (not recommended) in school and it took a little chunk out of me. Being aware of my own energy I knew I needed to break up studying one day and went to the park for a walk. I had my i-pod with me and one of my favorite songs (When Somebody Loves You Back -Teddy Pendergrass) came on and I caught a case of the boogie woogies!

At first I tried to suppress my urge to dance. There were other people in the park and I knew dancing with myself was yet another way (not by far the first) to have my neighbors question my sanity. I tried just tapping my feet and sneaking in a two step every now and again, but I caught a big case of the "can't help its" and ran with it and got my boogie on.

Two brothers stopped mid conversation to first stare, and then murmur to themselves. A couple of girls passed me and nervously hooked each other's arms and worked to create as much space as they could between me and them as they passed me. Even funnier than those people, was my long ago ex-boyfriend who was watching me from across the street. When I got to the point where he was sitting he said "Um... was that you dancing by yourself over there?" The question was one thing, but I couldn't help but laugh at noticing the look that accompanied his question. You know the look... that "is everything cool?" look.

I tried to explain to both him and myself, that I thought part of what is wrong with all of us is that there isn't enough dancing in the park; that the simple joys of life are what we need more of. I think only one of us was convinced, and it wasn't him.

So, what do you think? What's wrong with dancing in the park? When you look at your life, when you reflect on this past year, are you enjoying the simple things? Let me know what you think!

Unconditional Love? - True or False

I'm fascinated by the concept of unconditional love - I hear people talk about it and wonder if it's true in the literal sense of the expression.

I was talking to a friend who shared a story where a woman was married to a man that was a minister of some sort and the man sexually abused all of his children while they were in the marriage. I was processing the experience and wondered if unconditional love was applicable in that situation, and if so, between whom. I wondered happened to the woman's heart in the experience - that was her husband harming her children; does the heart stop loving the man? Does the love stop instantly?

When you say you love someone unconditionally do you mean it literally? Do you really mean you love them under any and every condition? If they murder your baby, try to kill you, sexually abuse someone near and dear to you?

What do you think? Have you loved someone unconditionally? Have you experienced someone loving you unconditionally?

Do You Mean What You Say?

For many years I've struggled with being too literal... If you say you are going to call me "right back," I literally expected right back - less than five minutes. Over the years I've learned to accept there are many people who don't say what they mean; they say something close to what they mean. For example:

Says: "What do you think? Be honest."
Means: "Give me some positive feedback."

Says: "Can I borrow some money?"
Means: "Can I have some money?"

Says: "I'll call you back."
Means: "I don't want to talk/I want to end this conversation."

Says: "I'll do anything for..."
Means: "I'll do what I think is reasonable - by my own judgment."

I think (hope, hope, hope) I'm doing a lot better with not taking people (or myself) too seriously. And, I also know it still is a struggle for me trusting people at their word because so many people don't say what they mean. If I tell someone I'll call them back and don't, it would bother me. Not because the call back is so serious, but because I didn't keep my word.

So... help me out people and tell me what you think? Do you mean what you say and say what you mean? Do you think it isn't that big of a deal if you don't live up to your literal words? Do you expect people to know what you mean against what you say? Does your personal community trust your word or have they learned not to believe exactly what you say?

Should You Do It Just Because You Can?

I was talking to a guy who has a couple of ladies - he was sharing how much one of his ladies supports him and he was considering bringing yet another woman onto his "team" just to see what would happen. The lady that is most supportive quit her day job to work as a stripper and turns a lot of her earnings over to this fella.

In our conversation I asked this fella about his accountability and responsibility for how his choices and living impacts his ladies. He responded that the women are grown women, they all know about each other, and they are making a free choice.

This guy has a daughter, sisters, a mother, and women friends (other than those on his team). He shared he has a pretty clean conscious about his relationships with his women and the cause and effect he sees in the functionality and self esteem for the women.

I understand where he's coming from as far as free choice. I also think there is some accountability and responsibility to all of us to do better when we know better, even if the people around us don't. I question how is this any different from taking advantage of an old person, or a person who for whatever reason isn't operating in a way that supports what is best for them. If you really love someone (I think - my opinion only) you want what is best for them, even if it means you can't profit from them or it isn't what is best for you (and I'm not sure this would be what is best for the guy even against the perceived profit).

So... I ask you, what do you think? Do you think it is okay to do "it" just because you can?

That's What You Get!

So... I got a call asking if I was available to meet with a woman we'll call Resbrusha (of course that isn't her real name) to answer a few questions and for her to run something by me. Now, I had met with this woman on 3 or 4 different occasions, 30 min - 1.5 hours each visit. That didn't bother me though; I knew she had a confusing situation and she was asking for help with a complicated scenario.

I got a call saying she'll be there in 5 minutes. 20 minutes later I got another call saying she was on her way over. What I perceived as disregard for my time is what pissed me off.

When she came moseying on down the walk way, nice and casual, I was hot as fish grease! I said to myself, hey, if she isn't worried about time, you shouldn't be either. Do what you can, and when you need to go, just go and she'll have to reschedule.

Well... when I left about 1.5 - 2 hours later (I had planned to be there 15-20 minutes) I was stuck. Two days before Christmas this woman's world was turned upside down. She went from a newlywed about to have her first born to scheduling inducing her pregnancy to have emergency surgery and treatment to attempt to save her life.

As I sat there listening to her thank me profusely, telling me I've gone way and beyond my duties, all I could feel was embarrassment for my concern with my time. I didn't even have anywhere to be except playing with my Christmas toys and getting a game of spades on. I told her, no, I need to thank you - for reminding me what living, giving and loving is really supposed to be about.

As I was walking to my car, my best self said, "That's what you get!" I think it is okay to have your boundaries and take your own needs into consideration and all that. For me, this lesson was a reminder to reserve judgment and be more mindful that you never know what people are going through and how your interaction will impact them.

What do you think?

Would You Tell?

A few years ago me and an ex-boyfriend were talking about brothers who engage in homosexual activities, but live their lives in secret and also have relations with women.

My ex made the comment that he wasn't angry about brothers sleeping with men, but he was angry for them doing it on the low, and exposing women who then bring it back to him and his friends. (Let's put the ignorance of his unprotected sex aside for a minute)

I thought about what he said and I asked him, if the brothers came out how would you treat them? If it was one of your road dogs, would it be business as usual? Would you still kick it and play ball and just let who he sleeps with be his business? He started laughing and paused and said that was a hard question. He said he would be afraid to kick it one of his boys who was openly gay because people might think he was gay if he didn't have a problem kicking it with him.

So I asked him, if you had a secret that would mean you wouldn't be able to see any (or most) of your friends any more, you couldn't kick it like you used to, simple things, like chillin' or playing ball, and your whole world would turn upside down, would tell the secret? If just sharing a piece of your private life would mean that a large percentage of your personal community would ostracize you, would you still just put it out there... just to be open or would you keep that shit to yourself?

This time he paused for a long time. He said he never thought about that way, and it scared him.

I have gay friends who tell me their experience is similar to mine as far as prejudice experiences as a Brown woman. I've responded that I didn't think so... that there is a grave difference with experiencing prejudice for something you don't have the option of hiding (color of your skin, your sex) versus something you can decide to divulge. Pain is pain, AND I think it is a different experience when you live it 24/7 with no off button option. I can't go some place where people don't know I'm a Brown woman.

So... what would you do? Could you be honest and share your truth that may make your best friend stop speaking to you or your family disown you? Could you do it? Would you do it?