If a family has a policy of "don't tell" or "what happens at our house stays at our house," what is the message it sends to a kid? Is the expectation that kids decipher between a good secret and a bad secret?
I find that most adults can't keep a secret and I hear countless stories of adults needing to vent, yet I still hear of many a kid getting an ass whoopin' for telling Grandma, Auntie, or the other parent about something going on in their house. Could you imagine having an experience that confused you enough to have your face tore up like there was a pile of shit under your nose but not able to tell anyone about it? Well that's what it's like for a kid expected to hold family secrets or something they are confused about, except I think it's worse, because the adults we are teaching them to otherwise trust and respect are treated like the enemy in the instance of "our little secret." What a mixed message!
Yet and still we're surprised time and time again when our kids don't disclose inappropriate things that happen to them. Ohhhh, this was a secret I should have told??????
I suspect I'll get a few not so friendly messages about this one, but I'm just sayin'... instead of the closet, maybe leave your skeletons in the hotel room or some other place where your kid won't know and isn't left to carry the burden.
What do you think?
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I can see what your saying.
ReplyDeleteThanks Al! You always support the blog! Much luv - Nea
ReplyDeleteWhoa! You’re hitting some nerves here. What a tragedy, asking kids to keep the parents dirty secrets. This kind of behavior will goof a kids mind up to know end. Usually the state of mind of an adult to tell a kid to keep weird secrets does allow for the kind of perspective to know the impact and damage it does.
ReplyDeleteInstead of having secrets we don't want others to know about maybe it’s better to have a personal constitution that allows you to handle life’s issues in a way that fosters strength and integrity and that leaves one whole and complete regardless of how bad you think the issue might be.
When u don't have any kids it's easier to say what u shouldn't do in front of them. Sometimes mama's don't get a private moment so u just have to make the best of it, and u don't want ur kids puttin all ur buz in the streets.
ReplyDeleteKnowing Frank, I'm sure he meant "does NOT allow for the kind of perspective..." in line 5 of his message.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I'm not for one second suggesting it is easy for Mom's especially with so many single parent homes. I do question placing that burden on a child, and the consequences if you do.
You know, I was going to comment arguing on the kid side, about what a parent should shield their kid from. But as I began to type, my own conviction about things that have happened in my own home came to mind and I was conflicted. I understand what a parent feels in the moment, and against the potential detriment of the child, agree we need to do better! Can anyone spare a dime to help to pay for counseling for my kids???? I know they've seen some stuff and probably fearful of telling anyone, especially Grandma!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.kuow.org/program.php?id=17673
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